When He Dreams it's of Prussian Eyes by Jace Shindo
When he Dreams it’s of Prussian Eyes- Part 1
He woke from his dreams of haunting, Prussian eyes that were lowered in glares that made even the bravest flinch and draw back, fast paced Gundam battles that made his blood boil with something that was triggered by something more than rivalry or lust, and a boy whose complexity made his brain hurt yet at the same time yearn to be aware of his every motion and thought.
What he really wanted to do was curl back up under his covers, throw his pillow over his head, and fall back into his surreal and seductive dreams of the boy who he’d been obsessed with since the day he first saw him. But Zechs had an ability to dismiss what he wanted to do for what he knew he should do. He was a calm and poised soldier who hid his feelings behind a mask that was stronger than any he could ever wear. He had an image to uphold for the people, his sister, his friends, and anyone else that crossed his path, including whoever was calling at such an early hour.
“Zechs!” Relena’s voice came through the phone. “I’m so sorry to call this early I just didn’t want to wait until later because then you might have plans already and it’s already such sort notice and…” She sounded out of breath and filled with an excitement she could not contain.
He cut her off “Relena, it’s fine, really. What’s going on?”
“I have some good news and I want to tell you in person, it’s not something I want to share over the phone!” He could feel any misgivings she’d had about calling him this early evaporate and a boundless joy was set free.
“I can’t wait to hear it.” He smiled into the phone; he was quite interested to hear whatever it was that was causing Relena to be so delighted and charged. Recently he’d noticed that the normally animated and enthusiastic girl was growing tired and weary and seemed to be losing interest in her speeches and meetings. He was worried that politics was aging the young women far beyond her years; it wouldn’t be right to have her youth be stripped from her and feasted upon by all around her.
“Great. Excellent. I’ll see you there.”
“Where are we meeting?”
“OH! Well I thought we could meet at that pretty place, you know the one that sits right above the lake? Its lovely there and the foods delicious. The Sunrise? We ate there for your birthday last year...?”
“Yes, of course I remember. That’ll be wonderful. When should I be there?”
“12:30 sound good for you?”
“Alright, great. Oh I can’t wait to tell you! Oh and guess whose going to be there?”
Zechs froze, hearing something in the tone of her voice “Who…?”
“Heero! Oh I have to go now; well I’ll see you later. Bye Zechs!”
“Bye… Relena.” He replied, but she’d already clicked off.
He hung up the phone and stood very still. Heero? Heero was going to be there. How ironic that he should be one of Relena’s closest friends, not only because during the war he was so adamant to have her around, threatened to kill her many times he was with her, and was so distant towards almost everyone at first glance that you never would have guessed he cared so much for his friends. No, it was because the object of his desire, dreams and thoughts, his past rival, and ally (for certain Preventers missions that they had been assigned together on) was best friends with his sister. Now you’d think he would feel lucky, it would give him an excuse to see him. It did and it didn’t, when he did see him he barely spoke to him. Sure he tried but there was something about Heero that made his breath hitch and his heart beat faster. Something about Heero threatened to peel his layers of self-control and leave them lying abandoned on the ground as he ravaged Heero’s soul through his lips. And there was another posing threat.
Was Relena still in love with him?
He’d heard rumors that Heero was much more than bodyguard/friend. He’d tried to subtly ask Relena without rousing any suspicion but she kept her personal life quiet even with her own flesh and blood.
So he spent the extra hours he had contemplating how lunch would go. He wondered if he should ask Heero to accompany him to dinner. But that was idiocy, even if Heero wasn’t dating Relena who was to say he would be attracted to Zechs let alone men. No matter how good looking and charming he was there was no way that Heero would want him if he were totally straight. But what if he was bisexual…
Zechs shook his head. Perhaps it was not healthy to have this much…to be so absorbed with someone if it made you this way. Or perhaps it was how it was supposed to be exactly. He wasn’t sure if he liked it, but then the familiar images of glares and tousled hair, heavy panting after a harsh fight, and the images he’d created of a writhing, moaning Heero surfaced in his mind and all logic and cool planning evaporated before his eyes.
By the time he stepped into the Sunrise he was certain that he would not be able to look Heero in the eyes, and what a loss that would be. He hadn’t seen him in a very long time and was sure he was outwardly impressed by his looks. He hadn’t changed so much since the last time he’d seen him, but he’d changed enough in the time that Zechs felt as if he’d forgotten how beautiful the boy—although he really should stop calling the 18 year old that, not simply because of his age but because of his looks—was. It was subtle things that had changed, his face looked stronger and it now matched the look his eyes had, which had always been beyond their years. He was incredibly handsome in and out of his Preventers uniform, lean but full muscles and frame.
Zechs bit his lip and walked over to the table.
“You’re finally here!” Relena said happily.
Heero merely nodded his head at Zechs and his face was impassive.
“Am I late?”
“No! I just…well I couldn’t wait to tell you. Sit, sit.” Her hands were twisting around each other with anticipation.
Zechs settled in his seat and focused his attention on Relena and not the stolid man beside her. “Well you can’t possibly keep us waiting any longer, I’m sure Heero is anticipating this just as much as I am.”
Relena positively glowed “Well I wanted to tell you both together since you are the two of the most important men in my life. You both have been there for me whenever I’ve needed it and I don’t know what I’d do without you…so I hope you’ll be just as pleased as me when I tell you that we’re finally getting married.”
For a brief moment Zechs heart twisted and he thought that she was talking about Heero and her…but no that wouldn’t make sense, and Heero looked just as shocked as he did.
“You’re getting married? Isn’t it too soon for that?” Heero was the first to regain his composure.
“I didn’t even know you were dating anyone…” Zechs admitted feeling a bit insulted.
Relena blushed but she couldn’t hold back her grin “Well Zechs, his name is Shinji and we met a few months ago, I had a meeting with his father and he was dragged along to it as a sort of learning experience. I kept it quiet from the public and you and everyone else because I wasn’t sure if it would last or not and I didn’t want the fuss especially if it wasn’t going to last very long…I had no idea that he was going to propose to me.”
“Neither did I.” Heero grumbled from beside her.
“Oh Heero! Don’t be so protective, you know he’s one of the sweetest men I could find.”
Zechs let out a light laugh “And here I was, thinking you two were dating.”
They both blinked at him “Us? Dating?”
Heero snorted while Relena burst into laughter. “No, that’s just something the public created to satisfy their wild imaginations. Heero isn’t exactly one for the ladies.”
Heero glared at her and Relena put her hands over her mouth “It’s only Zechs, Heero! Don’t be angry please? It just slipped out because I’m so excited.”
“You’d think it would be easier for you to contain yourself considering your normally a very together woman. You’re acting crazy.” Heero said with some irritation, but Relena just rolled her eyes and shrugged. He turned to Zechs, finally addressing him “It’s something I prefer not to be spread around.”
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“It’s not that. I just would rather not have the attention drawn to me if I can prevent it.”
Zechs nodded his head and a funny feeling washed over him as he learned this new information. A feeling of panic was added to the former when Relena excused herself to go to the ladies room.
Relena’s announcement left him feeling happy and yet excruciatingly pained. Relena had managed to find someone worthy of her love and devotion; someone that made her sparkle in shine at the mention of his name. When was he to fall into a relationship like that one? Was he to be alone forever?
He started at Heero, who still looked rather sullen, lost in his own thoughts most likely about Relena’s marriage and what that would mean for their friendship, her life, and even Heero’s own life.
“Nothing.” Zechs said, startled.
“You were staring.”
“How rude of me, I apologize.” Zechs inwardly flinched.
Heero shrugged “How do you feel about her getting married?”
Zechs sighed “Well it was bound to happen sometime, I just hope that marriage and children don’t hold her back from any of her goals and dreams. I hope she’s thought things through and begun to make plans, knowing her she probably has.”
“Something’s bothering you though?”
Zechs gave him a small smile “Well I suppose, but it’s a selfish matter that is quite…silly.”
Heero raised an eyebrow.
“I hope that by the time Relena has children…I’ll have at least have found someone who at least has potential to spend my life with. Something along those lines…” He searched Heero’s face for a reaction, but it seemed Heero was studying him just as closely. “Ah, I knew it would sound too strange out loud.”
“No.” Heero said quickly “It’s just…I can understand that. It seems everyone else has been dating, getting married, having children…falling in love.”
Zechs stared at Heero, a strange sensation of having him confess an emotion so close to his heart…to him was quite thrilling. His heart paused and he took a leap “Heero, would you accompany me to dinner tomorrow night?”
He waited as the proposition was taken in by Heero, turned around in his mind, analyzed and decided “I think I’d like that.”
When he Dreams it’s of Prussian Eyes: Part 2
When he dreamed there was always crying and deceit lying deep beneath the pictures that flashed in his head. Random images were sewn together by lies, blood, hatred and sorrow, only to leave him restless and feeling as though he’s forgotten something important. And there was always, always the sound of Treize right before a flash of Prussian blue eyes.
He opened his eyes but held perfectly still. If he was quiet and motionless perhaps his mind would be too. If he simply stared at a creamy white wall his mind would remain just as blank. He held his breath and waited for the smells, and tastes and touches of memories to fly into the morning sun and burn away until night fall.
He felt disgusted with himself. A composed soldier and a man of 22, he still held the secret that inside he felt torn apart and broken down. He held the secret that sometimes he wanted to curl up and pretend he was a child, still innocent and without a fear that can only be gained when you live through it. He will always hold the secret of not being as perfect and wonderful as everyone has thought his whole life.
It was a delusion that he always gave into, that if he stayed underneath his silken sheets the world couldn’t touch him. It was only when he got out of bed that he would become the man he was in everyone else’s eyes.
But that day there was something he was anticipating, and his body itched to do anything to prepare for the moment he’d been waiting for ever since he realized what a perplexing and wondrous being Heero Yuy was. There were a million questions he craved to flood him with. There were a million answers he wanted to hear come falling from Heero’s mouth, in Heero’s voice, and into his own ears. He longed to hear Heero’s ideals, dreams, interests, thoughts and fears over and over until he’d memorized each and every one. To be the one whom Heero opened up to would be his greatest pleasure in life.
He was ready to leave far before night fell. He stared at the clock that hung high above his mantle piece in his silent and lonely home. Something was to change; he could sense it from the tingling in his bones. His golden hair falling in front of his face, framing and defining, making his lips seem even fuller and sensuous and his eyes seems icier and deadlier. It made the excitement in his eyes seem even brighter. Finally he stood and without hesitation walked out the door and into a new chapter of his life.
“I didn’t expect you to get here so early.” Zechs said as he was seated across from Heero.
“I’m always early.” Heero answered.
“I’ll hold you to that.” His lips turned up but would not reach a smile; his nerves seemed to be eating his insides.
Heero’s mouth mimicked his and for some reason that eased some of Zech’s tension.
“So, Heero you’re still working with the Preventers I take it?”
“Actually, I’m not working there as of now.” He seemed to stiffen as he spoke.
Zechs mentally berated himself for bringing up a topic that seemed to be leading them in the wrong direction.
Before he could change the subject Heero continued “I…Une seemed to think it would do me some good to take a break. She said I needed to find whatever it was I was missing because it was distracting me.” He looked offended, as if Une were telling him that right then “I don’t agree with her but Duo seems to think she has a point.”
“Duo…you two are still close then?”
“Hai. We’ve still remained good friends despite our… break up.”
Zechs almost chocked on the water he’d been sipping “Break up?”
Heero looked a little embarrassed “Yes…we were together for quite awhile, but we just were looking for different things it seemed. It worked at first, at the time it’d seemed we needed exactly the same things, but after a time we changed and longed for different things entirely. He seems to have found what he was looking for in Wufei while I…am still searching.” Heero shifted in his seat and had an uncomfortable look about him.
He found himself being hypnotized by Heero’s voice, wishing he could hear him talk even more. Although, this was already the most he’d ever heard him speak before. He didn’t want to press the matter more but he was interested as to what Heero was looking for. Heero seemed to be in the same position as him.
The night went by too quickly for Zechs, his discussions with Heero giving him further means to admire and respect him. There was a strong passion and a break in his monotone when he spoke of his beliefs and dreams. Zechs wanted to see him again and again.
When he went home that night the large apartment seemed emptier and quieter than ever. The couch seemed lonely and odd without two people. Without someone to hold in his arms and wrap around, his bed seemed cold and unwelcoming. He wanted warmth. He wanted to not be so lonely. He wanted Heero to fill that void.
For the weeks that passed he saw more and more of Heero. Heero told him how lonely he’d been. How out of place he’d felt as he walked down the streets. Heero and he were so alike, so lost in their own ways and were ruled by what other people saw in them. They both felt they had to be something for everyone else, until now. Until each other.
Heero sat down next to him on his couch, knees close together barely touching but sometimes brushing with a slight movement from one. They were silent but it was a welcome and comfortable silence filled with unspoken words of gratitude and joy.
Suddenly Heero leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss against his lips, then one to his jaw, leaving a trail of kisses across his face. He nibbled at the soft flesh of his earlobe and Zechs almost moaned.
“Mmm?” Heero’s response vibrated against him and he closed his eyes.
“What did you two long for that was so different?”
Heero stopped his delicious assault and thought about the question as he always did before answering, Zechs loved that about him. “Duo found a sort of peace of mind finally, that I could not. He was wounded inside but was able to suppress the pain to some extent and live without acknowledging it as much as I did. He wanted to live his life without talking about the war every day which I just couldn’t seem to get out of. I felt as though I were still living in it and trying to compensate for what I’d done by never letting my mind be free of it even for a moment.”
Zechs wrapped his arms around Heero’s frame “You and I both. We’re looking for the same things.” And he kissed his lips gently.
They rose together and Zechs led him into his room and he was filled with every sensation he’d ever dreamed of having. He unbuttoned Heero’s shirt and slid off his pants and touched every inch of him that he could. He felt Heero’s soul as he entered him and he felt their feelings of sorrow and remorse intertwine and fall away. He felt ecstasy and an inward heeling that blossomed out of the seed that Heero had planted inside him so many years before. They were one. Fear and war meant nothing to them then.
He lay down beside Heero and they both fell asleep and into a world where neither wanted to be, but could never leave. Somehow even with Heero asleep in his arms the nightmares could still reach him.
He woke with a sharp jolt. Heero was dead. He’d killed him in battle. He could see his blood pouring out of his head, his twitching body, his violent convulsions and shudders and he could hear his pain filled screams.
He felt a scream rise in his own throat. “Heero?”
He felt himself be enclosed by warm, familiar arms. Heero? But Heero was dead. His mind was hazy and he couldn’t comprehend what was going on. The dream wouldn’t leave him. But he let himself fall into the embrace; he let himself be held even though he wanted to see Heero’s face.
It seemed odd to him that Heero should be the one holding him and chasing away the terrifying dreams that always reached him at night. He was the more…mature of the two. He was supposed to hold Heero and feel Heero’s emotions. Wasn’t he? Perhaps it wasn’t so strange though…he was no older than Heero, not really, where it mattered. Then why did he feel like he should be the one doing everything for Heero?
He couldn’t speak.
“Zechs? Why are you…you’re crying.”
He hadn’t felt them until that moment, the smooth, cool tear drops that were slipping down his face. He turned away, not wanting to look at Heero. He was supposed to be stronger than this, but he couldn’t help the violent memories that came back just too keep the pain fresh and alive. His family, the war, his dreams, and everything poured out of him.
“Don’t think any less of me; I don’t know why this is happening to me.”
“I don’t.” He said quietly “You don’t have to worry about that.”
“I haven’t cried in a very long time. There’s something strangely pure about it.” He mused with a sort of happiness. It was hard to find anything pure about him now.
He felt Heero nod “Yes. There’s something pure and beautiful about tears. Sometimes they’re the only way to heal…sometimes you need something pure to heal.”
Heero bent forward and kissed at his face. “Maybe now we can both start to heal.”
I hope he didn’t come across as a weepy uke *shudders* I don’t think crying always means that, I think it can be something redeeming and beautiful as well. I just had that idea and couldn’t resist writing it. It seems to me like the pilots are the only ones to ever feel weak or need comfort, Zechs is human too and I wanted to try a sort of new characterization of him. Hope you enjoyed ^_^